There comes a time when exhaustion hits - when your body just says 'no more':
I reached this point when, whatever I tried, I couldn't find Christian. My heart's desire was to find him, but I was hitting brick walls all the time and I was completely depleted - emotionally, physically, mentally and spirituality. I began to lose faith in myself and the trust I'd built up in Christian being found.
Fear of giving up. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown.
When my body said 'no more', I was violently ill - for many days. Then I had no strength and just lay in bed for almost a week.
I've since found being violently ill (or being incapacitated somehow) is often the way the body copes when the fears, frustrations and fight becomes too much. The body has to rest. The heart has to be cracked open. The light has to come in. It is the time for surrender.
That wasn't something I wanted to do, but I realised I had to. It was not weakness. It was essential. It was self-care.
I had to hand over the finding of my brother to a higher power. I had to accept that I could do no more to physically find him. I had to allow for an alternative pathway to make itself known to me; to move forwards without fighting or striving.
It was then that I found flow. I started to meditate. I started to do yoga. I started to take notice of what was going on around me - the weather, the birds, the moon, the plants, the animals and the seasons. I started to do things I loved. I looked at things with curiosity and openness.
Surrendering actually meant releasing myself from the responsibility of finding Christian - of finding the answers, of finding the truth, of facing the darkness. And in that moment, things really did become easier.
Fear began to be replaced by love. And that was because my head/ego wasn't involved.
I was not thinking, nor searching, nor wondering, nor questioning, nor fearing, nor longing. I knew at the right time, and when I was ready, I would find Christian.
As it happened, when I was strong enough, sure of my abilities and had no fear about finding out the truth, I did find Christian - not in the physical, as we'd all thought and hoped for, rather in Spirit. BUT I was ready to find out the truth and I had a whole support network available to me to hold me up while he/I adjusted to our new relationship.
When you're ready, you will find out the truths which will lead to healing. Trust this. And you will have a support group around you, including us here at RAISE, to adjust and grow... you don't need to push your healing. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
If you're at the stage of exhaustion, please take a look at our 'Emergency Grief Kit' within the Courses area - this will help you to strengthen yourself and realise that you're not alone. There's no need to fight, to struggle, to exhaust yourself.